8 Nonverbal Cues
8.1 Introduction
We introduced nonverbal communication as a form of communication in Section 1.2.2 as the ways in which we convey information by other means than speaking or writing. The 7% myth, that 93% of communication is nonverbal was debunked there. Whatever the true percentage, nonverbal communication is very important. You can use it to your advantage and you can sabotage communication efforts with it.
Much of it is kind of obvious, for example, the effects of posture, body language, and tone of voice, but it still takes practice to avoid nonverbal mistakes and to draw on positive nonverbal cues to strengthen your communication. Finally, pointing out elements of nonverbal communication you become more aware and tuned in, making it easier to read situations.
It is easy to list what to do and what not to do with respect to nonverbal communication, but changing things can be difficult or impossible. A behavior can be due to an obsessive compulsive disorder. Maybe fidgeting or playing with their hair is exactly what helps someone focus. It is easy to say “make eye contact”, it is much more difficult for an introvert than an extrovert. In trying to fix a nonverbal cue you might overdo it and create the opposite effect; keeping excessive eye contact is creepy and considered aggressive.
An Business Insider article in 2016 listed “9 horrible body language habits that are hard to quit”, such as
- fidgeting
- playing with your hair
- adopting a defensive pose
- shuffling instead of walking
- forgetting to smile
- slouching
- nonexisting or aggressive eye contact
For starters, these should not be referred to as “horrible”. We all do some of these to varying degrees. I slouch and I slouch more when I am tired. There is nothing wrong with shuffling while talking at times, it can be used to make a point about a slow-moving process. It can be a problem if that is the only way a speaker moves. The article was met with contemptuous comments such as
“wait you mean..stop being autistic? DIDNT KNOW I COULD DO THAT OH MY GOD!!!!!”
The important thing is recognizing what can be improved, and working on that. With so many poor communicators around, even small improvements can make you stand out. Be yourself, but be the best version of yourself,
Whether a behavior can be changed or not, it is helpful to understand how cues are typically interpreted and what signals they send.
A good method to improve nonverbal cues by reinforcing positive and avoiding negative nonverbal communication is to record oneself and watching it critically. It is also a very painful method. Our voice sounds different in our own head, which is why recordings of ourselves sound strange. “Do I really sound like that?”
Seeing a video of yourself speaking is awkward and cringeworthy. “Is that what I sound and look like?”. Well, yes, that is what we sound and look like.
Before giving a speech, I would rehearse at home or in my office several times without recording. Then I rehearse once or twice on a stage, recording video and audio in front of people that would give me honest and constructive feedback.
The same issues would come up: too much pacing, hands folded in front of the body (the “praying” posture), speaking too fast. I am still working on those issues. But once aware, I can catch myself pacing or praying during a talk, stand still, face the audience and show open palms.
Before going through types of nonverbal cues, watch the following videos. These are some of the the world champions in the annual Toastmaster competition. The presentations are short and excellent. Watch how the speakers use gesture, facial expression, body language, movement, pauses, tone of voice, softness and loudness, humor, audience engagement, to tell their story
8.2 Body Language
An open body language is inviting, calming, puts us at ease. This is a good state of mind to receive information. A defensive body language signals tension, resistance, and unease. An aggressive body language means I am coming for you, it triggers fight and flight response.
Elements of open body language are
- straight posture
- open arms
- showing palms of the hands
- smiling
- eyebrows open
- leaning forward
- making eye contact
- removing clothing (e.g. jacket, not all of it)
Defensive body language shows in
- crossed legs
- arms crossed in front of the chest
- avoiding eye contact
- hands in pockets
- clenched fists
- rigid body
Aggressive body language is seen in
- clenched fists
- sneering
- tight muscles
- finger pointing
- hands on hips
- furrowed brow, eyebrows turned inwards
- pursed lips
- puffed chest
- blading (turning the body slightly away from a threat, as to protect vital organs)
- jaw thrust forward
- invading someone’s space
- narrowing eyes